Oops…I Did It Again

Rev. Kevin Roesch

I recognized that when my oldest dog Lola was refusing the $25/pound Dry aged Ribeye that maybe I made some mistakes in raising and training my loved Ones. Somehow, I thought a combination of high expectations and over rewarding was the right strategy. Well, the high expectations were a generational transmission, I mean that’s what East Coast educated parents did, support high achievement and, your kids would be more, and have more then you did.

Success for my parents meant that their six kids would go to the best colleges, have professional careers and make them proud, be proof that we were special and accomplished. It was authentic and not shallow, we all felt loved, went to catechism and mass, as my mother was devout, my father didn’t go, but of course there were pieces of self and family system examination that were missing.

My wife Adrienne and I consciously decided that the bookend to those expectations, was to be loving, emotionally open, encourage inquiry, and for both of our boys to speak their truth, communicate feelings and desires. We made sure they felt our love for them, apparently, we also did not always know how they really felt, we repeated the experience of rewarding our kids when they did the right things, were social, respected others, got the grades, cleaned their rooms, holy Father of God, right? 

How many of you had that cascading moment of “I am my parents?”

We did it different did we not?

My kids and I talked, Adrienne and I were involved in their activities, knew their friends because they hung out at our house. I showed them the things I thought were cool, we were a tight little family unit.

And Yet.

My oldest Jared is got his PhD., runs a Machine Learning start up, a brilliant mind, driven worker, gourmet cook, extraordinary young man, my youngest Ian, such a sharp aware mind, guitar player, so funny and dialed in, an advanced consciousness, kind of old soul, both my kids are. They are amazing.

And Yet.

They inherited the desire to please their parents by doing what we felt were the right things. They did them, honored our said and unsaid requirements, but as adults the feedback is they often made choices based on what someone else prescribed. If they were uncertain, then I was certain for them. Surely my most valuable gift was helping then see the world as I did. Understand how my choices were worth emulating.

Their vulnerability, anxiousness, and thought processes did not always register with me, was I actively listening to my kids when they were growing up? Did I just fill in blanks or ignore them on some important levels?

I know my response as a kid in a big family was to carry on, suck it up, do what was required, it didn’t feel like suffering, it was how we did it.

My sons did the same, and so I missed some of what they required, a more sensitive awareness to how different they felt, we encouraged them to recognize what amazing, gifted boys they were, but didn’t help them navigate some of those challenges associated with being awake at an early age going through the school years.

To be able to accept change, to acknowledge the primacy of your own thoughts requires deep engagement in the shared consciousness, no matter the age.

When you are awake, the world only makes sense when you have the freedom, the language to name the absurdities, the hypocrisies and are offered new ways to understand. Of course, this is everyone’s curriculum.

On Father’s Day I can say I missed a few signs, in growing myself, I didn’t see or hear all that was available to me to be even greater as a dad. My Ministerial induced quantum awareness sharpens being truly present, a honest appraisal while embracing truth, it’s liberating and little sad.

I am grateful that my boy’s want to be close, that we are still growing and evolving as family.

I see the repetitive nature of patterns and tendencies and my personal resolve to break free of the ones I carry. My parents and my wife and I, passed along so many gifts and blessings, and there are more to be had for my family.

Why I would be surprised that both sons and dogs only want the best food, the most flavorful and intense experiences, they learned that from Us as well, it’s not a reward it’s a preference!